Anger Management

1. Anger is a secondary emotion. What is really going on? It could be a loss of power.


2. Get to the source. Figure out if it's displaced anger, and if it is, trace it back to the root. What is *really* angering you?


3. Often it actually has nothing to do with what is going on right now, but something to do with your childhood. It can often be traced back to one of your parents. Which parent had the qualities of what is angering with you now? (Don't get stuck on this step. If it doesn't come to you, don't worry about it.)


4. Deal with it.

a) Write it out, talk about it, or do a Mind Map. Work it through until you feel relief.

b) Let it out physically. The key is to do this safely: safety for yourself and the people around you. If you don't let it out physically, it will eat you invisibly from the inside. This is very important!

Suggestions for how:
* Punch a pillow
* Take a children's plastic bat and bat a pillow
* Take a large sheet of paper, preferably bristol board, and crayon it violently
* Rip up pieces of paper
* Go for a run
* Do housework with vigour
* Pushups
* Throw snowballs
* Play tennis/squash/etc.
* etc.

Preferably something where you can yell too, or at least talk to yourself. Yell out the anger. Use swear words. Say NO to It, and YES to You.


4. Replace with good things. What do you value? What are your priorities in life? What is important to you? Take some quiet time to do something good and honouring to yourself.


5. From this new space, go back and deal with the original problem. Come at it from a place of maturity, respect, and understanding for the other person. Hear out everything they have to say, make sure they feel understood and fully heard, and then come to an agreement.

If you look at it from a place of what both your needs are, there is often a non-immediately obvious solution that makes it a win-win for all.


6. You can also talk about how you are feeling. Use "I" statements. "When you xxxx, I feel xxxx." For example, "When you come home late, I feel lonely." You are not attacking the person, you are talking about your own reactions. There is a very big difference. They can not get defensive about how you feel.

----

***If you get angry and are not in a place where you can go process it properly:

1. Do something to diffuse it in the meantime. I play with my ring to remind me that it's not worth getting upset about right now and that I will deal with it later. You can also visualize it as a black cloud, and shoot the cloud.

2. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. No one can ever argue with that. "I would love to talk about this, but I was just on my way to the bathroom."

3. Then take a moment to reflect. Check in with yourself - how are you feeling right now? What is true about the situation? What are the facts that you are aware of?

4. Go back and deal with it as described in 5 and 6 above -- dealing with the problem head on, but with compassion.


When you get home that night, or the next time you are alone, be sure to process it properly, emotionally and physically.